Dog Food Diet?

I had this sent to me, this morning. Made me chuckle.

Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer……..

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of dog chow at Wal-Mart for Athena the wonder dog and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn’t, because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s butt and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.

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Joke – Teacher’s Pet

Teacher’s Pet

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist’s son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, “I bet it’s some flowers!”

“That’s right!” shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner’s daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said, “I bet I know what it is! It’s a box of candy!”

“That’s right!” shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner’s son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.

“Is it wine?” she asked.

“No,” the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.

“Is it champagne?” she asked.

“No,” the boy answered.

“What is it?” she said.

“A puppy!”

Joke – Soap and Water

Soap and Water

We were asked to dinner by a new friend. When we sat down at the table, we noticed that the dishes were dirty.

“Were these dishes washed?”, I asked the hostess as I rubbed my fingers over the surface.

She replied, “They’re as clean as soap and water could get them”.

I felt a bit apprehensive, but started eating anyway. Dinner was delicious, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, “Here Soap! Here Water!”

Dog Dictionary

A doggy dictionary

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don’t. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog’s rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbours put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and mouldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

LEAN: Every good dog’s response to the command “sit!” especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

BUMP: The best way to get your human’s attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A manoevre to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn’t get the attention you require…..especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you’re lucky, a human will love you in return.

What do you Get when…..

What you get when you cross a…

Collie + Lhasa Apso = COLLAPSO a dog that folds up for easy transport

Pointer + Setter = POINSETTER, a traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = PYRADACHS, a puzzling breed

Pekingese + Lhasa Apso = PEEKASSO, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = IRISH SPRINGER, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = LAB COAT RETRIEVER, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland+ Basset Hound = NEWFOUND ASSET HOUND, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog = TERRIBULL, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador = BLABADOR, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer = MOOT POINT, owned by…. oh, well, it doesn’t matter anyway.